hot or not

Supernatural Sex, Hot or Not? Vampires

9:00 AM

Vampires are everywhere in romance and erotica. They range from dark, brooding man-boys to wealthy, dangerous heroes. Sometimes they're descended from demons, other times angels. They can feed off blood, sex, psychic energy, you name it. In most mythologies, they are risen or returned from the dead, but in others they are born from an evolved species or created by a virus.

There's a lot of wiggle room when it comes to vampires in modern fiction. However, pretty much since Anne Rice came on the scene, vampires have been eroticized into supernatural sex gods who bite and fuck and woo women with their bad boy appeal. For our purposes, we're going to ignore the traditional blood-sucking monster version of the horror-genre vamp and focus on the romance-genre hottie.

The real question is: Sex with a vampire, hot or not? Let's examine...

HOT: Frozen for eternity at 25
NOT: Frozen for eternity at 15

HOT: Dark and tragic past
NOT: Pity parties

HOT: Centuries of knowledge and wealth
NOT: Nihilistic boredom

HOT: Biting
NOT: I look like the victim of a rabid mongoose attack

HOT: Forever in a body that never needs the gym
NOT: Forever in a body that never saw a gym

HOT: Strong, fast, flexible
NOT: I bruise easily

HOT: Cold lips on my nipple
NOT: Cold... everything else

HOT: No chance of diseases or babies
NOT: Unless you count vampirism and half-vampire babies (Or sparkly, psychic, fast-growing half-vampire babies! Thanks, Twilight...)

HOT: Knows what he's doing in the sack
NOT: Knows way more than me in the sack

HOT: Unlimited stamina
NOT: I fell asleep an hour ago

HOT: They're dying to love you...
NOT: No really, they're dead. HOW IS THIS OK?

What else makes a vampire lover hot or not? And stay tuned for my next Hot or Not? Werewolves!

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  1. I wrestled with this stuff when writing the novel The Lesser Dead. I broke sharply ‘Not Hot’ because I felt he other had been ably covered. Any hotness the vampires in my world project is illusory, just a honey trap to lure warm bodies close. They’re dead. And when their low-level constant charm fails (like if they get frightened), you see just how dead they are. Also, because they’re room temperature, one reason they sleep in containers or wrap themselves is so they don’t wake up with insects trying to make a home in them. Great topic! Thanks for sparking a little ghoulish October conversation.

    1. Hi Christopher! I've always had issue with vampires being, you know, DEAD but also being hyper-sexualized in romance. It just was never really hot for me, because, again, DEAD. So I took the trope and twisted it for my vampire story, Her Blood to Bind, where my vampire heroine drinks blood but isn't fully dead-dead. I think for horror novelists like yourself (great cover on The Lesser Dead btw), decidedly Not Hot is the way to go. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!